There's nothing that breaks a parent's heart more than seeing the effects of a toxic relationship on their child. Whether there's tension in the home or you and your partner are living in two separate households, your child's world has turned upside down. So how do you navigate that as you are trying to keep your own head above water?
There's no simple, straightforward answer, but I can tell you from my own experience that there's light at the end of this tunnel. You are the rock in your children's foundation and, while the parenting dynamic is changing, your love for them never will. Here are some ways to actively create a sense of security for them.
1. Play with them
Sounds simple, right? But it can be the hardest thing to do when you are caught up in figuring out your own emotional upheaval. Believe me, I get it. I remember being in such a fog that I could barely focus on the game we were playing! I had a friend recommend that I give each child 10 minutes a day to do the activity of their choice. Thirty minutes sounded doable, so I gave it a shot. I played Legos, Barbies, and bikes in a whirlwind of play and learned more about their hearts than I did at any other time in the day. They opened up again and I watched their little shoulders relax and the smiles come back to their faces.
You see, play is their language. It's how they develop, learn, and connect. I encourage you to meet them there, no matter their age. Maybe you pick up an Xbox remote with your teenager or paint your nails on the bathroom floor with your daughter. Ask them what they'd like to do. Join them in things that interest them to show that you still have great interest in them.
2. Maintain routines
Kids find great comfort in routine, and any disruption in that routine can make them feel unsafe. Some things will have to change, but if there are some things that you can keep constant, do it. If you always make them toast with peanut butter before school, do your best to continue making that toast, even on the days it feels hard to get out of bed. If something that is important to them has to be dropped/changed, have that conversation up front. You could say something like, "I know it's important to you that I ____ each night but I will be working in the evenings now. What's another time of day that we can make that happen?" Involving them in the solution will empower them and help them know that they are seen and loved.
3. Manage your own emotions
Your life has changed completely, too, and you have every right to feel anger, fear, sadness, and grief. But your child needs to be isolated from those emotions because they will begin to take ownership of solving your problems. As an adult, you are fully capable to handle your feelings in ways that model self-control and gentleness. You have access to counseling, coaching, support groups, friends, and family to work through your difficulties but your child will not realize that. They view your emotional instability as a direct indicator of their safety and stability. Reassure them continuously that they are safe and that you always will have their best interests at heart. Protect them from that by expressing your emotions in healthy ways*.
*If you need some ideas, say yes in the comments below and Kyla and I can get some resources over to you!
4. Create opportunities for them to express themselves
Emotions are not easy to put into words and kids/teens need opportunities to express their emotions in safe ways. Creative expressions are oftentimes the best way to give them an outlet. Here are a few to get your ideas flowing:
Art Center: Have a spot set aside for drawing. Grab some colored pencils and a sketch pad and encourage some time for your child to draw. No one has to see it. Their sketch pad is theirs alone. Drawing is helpful when you notice your child withdrawing or you see angry outbursts. Both are signs of trapped feelings.
Music Center: If you already have musical instruments, you can set those out and give them time to play them without any specific lesson plan. If you have older kids, join them in listening to some music. Let them tell you about their favorite artists and try not to cringe if the music is not your style!
Tactile Center: There's a reason that slime became such a craze with kids over the past few years! There's something soothing about feeling new textures and creating new colors. Grab some stress balls, make some cloud dough or slime, and bring it out when there's some tension in the house. All of you will benefit from slowing down and being mindful of the textures.
5. Repeatedly tell them this isn't their fault
I once heard a story about a 6 year old that was sure her parents divorced because she had an accident at school the day before they told her they were separating. Your children are trying to make sense out of a situation that doesn't make any sense to them, and they can easily create reasons in their head for all the conflict. Let them know that they didn't do anything to cause this and they never could do anything to lose your love. This conversation will have to happen often, so keep saying it as long as they need to hear it.
At my house, we talk a lot about how imperfect all parents are and contrast that with our Loving Father in Heaven. I point out how He always keeps His promises and that His love, grace, and mercy are endless. I reassure them that He's near to the brokenhearted and will never leave them or forsake them. I can't heal their hearts, but Jesus can. Pointing them to that truth helps them see that they didn't cause this and only Jesus can meet them in that pain. Over time, I have seen them turning to Him on their own and it gives me hope for a lifetime of relationship with God.
Oh friend, I wish I could tell you that these are quick fixes, but they are not. They are long-term solutions that will slowly, over time, show your children healthy ways of working through hard things. Hold on to hope. You will create a home that feels safe and even fun in spite of the circumstances. Your children will thrive. Meet them where they are and lead them to Jesus. I know you have everything it takes to do this.
Love,
Kate
Comments