Learning about your spouse’s affair or living in an abusive marriage can cause shock and confusion. These feelings are disorienting and can have you reeling, trying to put pieces together, second guessing yourself, and feeling like some days you aren’t sure what’s up or down. These feelings can last for days, weeks, and even months depending on your circumstances.
What women often need in this is something to help them feel grounded and stable. Something that reminds them of truth or puts pieces together. Let’s talk through a few strategies for getting you grounded if you’re feeling this confusion.
Identify your Reality. A tool I often use when gaslighting or blame shifting has been at play in the relationship. It happens in a few steps. Step 1 asks you to simply name what happened. Here’s an example. You shared a concern with your husband about his frequent tardiness from work and he yells at you and says it’s your fault. These are the facts and that’s all we’re looking for in step one. Step 2 asks you to name what your thoughts were. Did you think he might have had a bad day? Maybe you thought that it wasn’t fair that he responded like that. Or you possibly questioned yourself and whether you should have shared that concern. These are all thoughts.
In Step 3 you will name your feelings. Scared, confused, angry, hurt, anything you feel as a result of that encounter. In Step 4 you are going to name the tactic used in that encounter. For this scenario, the spouse was explosive in his yelling and blame-shifted instead of taking ownership. Step 5 is about naming what you need. Maybe time to yourself to sort this out. A walk. To call a friend. To remind yourself of the truth. And finally, Step 6 is putting it altogether in a truth statement. “I shared a concern with my husband about his frequent tardiness from work and he yelled at me and said it’s my fault. I wondered if he had a bad day, if he responded poorly and if I was to blame. I felt scared, angry, and hurt. I realize he used explosive yelling and blame shifting in his response and as a result I need to go for a walk and call a friend to process this and determine my next steps.”
Timeline. For women who are discovering a betrayal or trying to identify what they now realize is abuse, a timeline can be a critical tool to bring awareness and grounding to years of harm or to years of secrecy. Start at the beginning of your relationship and write out the moments he slipped away or came home from work late. Write about the time he hid his phone and made you feel like the bad guy for asking what he was doing. List the woman he seemed to be flirting with but minimized your concerns. List the underhanded comments in public, the mind games, the threatening body language that only you would know. List the times he called you a nag for bringing up abusive behavior, the ways he’s isolated you or controlled the finances. This tool helps bring clarity and awareness where things have felt fuzzy.
Puzzle. Another strategy similar to the timeline is printing out a blank puzzle and creating a puzzle of Aha moments. It’s different from the timeline in that the focus is on realizations, not memories alone. These can be moments where something felt off and has now been made clear. Or moments you were lied to or deceived and there is now realization of those lies.
If you’ve felt this confusion and shock, you're not alone. Try out one of the tools to help bring some clarity and to get yourself grounded again.
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