Divorce is a Sin

Divorce is a Sin.

Doesn’t it feel like that? The way I’ve always heard divorce talked about from the pulpit was like it was a disease or something you’d do in hiding because of the shame associated with it. It basically was never an option and even the options for divorce seem to be rarely discussed for fear people might take liberties on those exceptions and divorce when it’s not really necessary.

The message is that divorce is sin. And if not that, then God hates divorce. I’m guessing you have heard one of these two messages when it comes to divorce and probably not much else. And as a wife with a spouse who is abusive or in addiction, this often leaves you feeling that the work is up to you to fix your marriage, or you must bear it. And if you did leave, God and your church community would not be pleased with you.

As we talk about abuse tactics this month, we would be remiss if we didn’t talk about spiritual abuse and the use of scripture to encourage a wife to stay in an abusive marriage. We hear this both from the husband and the pastor or church members. We are talking about this in the context of an abuse tactic, because when a pastor or body of believers uses scripture and their position of power to try to control your circumstances, it becomes abusive.

What does Scripture Say?

There are several scriptures used to convince women to stay in relationship. One used most often is from Malachi 2:16, indicating that God hates divorce. Joseph Pote, author of “So You are a Believer Who was been through Divorce,” says that when divorce is discussed in the Bible it is primarily being discussed in the context of condemning treachery against the covenant partner (abusive spouse), divorcing without a certificate, or in challenge to Jesus about reasons that divorce is allowable. He shares that Malachi 2:16, in context, is not saying divorce is a sin or forbidding divorce. It’s saying that one shouldn’t deal treacherously with the person you have committed to. Joseph shares that the CSB translation seems like the best translation saying “if he hates and divorces his wife, he covers his garment with injustice, therefore watch yourself and do not act treacherously."

The Bible even makes it clear that providing a certificate was protective for the wife because it gave her options after the divorce. You can read more about this here from Leslie Vernick.

If you consider Exodus, God essentially divorced the Israelites from Egypt when he rescued them. Pharaoh and the Egyptians were harsh, and God rescued his people from that abuse. Can’t you see that God also wants to rescue people from abuse? His heart is not for women to continue to be harmed. Keep in mind the abuse (treachery) is what breaks the covenant, not the legal filing of the divorce. God never says divorce is a sin or that He hates divorce.

Need for Context

In church we often leave out the context. Cheryl Summers, founder of For Such a Time as This Rally, says, if someone were to ask you if sex was right or wrong you wouldn’t be able to make a determination without the context. She shares the same is true about how divorce is discussed in church. Churches often just say it’s wrong and we can’t just say it’s right or wrong, we need to have context. She continues saying it’s honorable to promote strong marriages in church, but churches need to support divorce as a valid option that God provides.

Who Experiences it?

Up to 40% of church attendees will have experience with abuse, either as the victim or as a perpetrator-this is the norm, that is not abnormal. Thomas Pryde from Psalm 82 Initiative and riseupagainstabuse.com, a ministry dedicated to helping make churches safer for abuse victims, continues “…a church that does not understand that is grossly underserving their congregation. Pastors need to know that.”

If I had to guess, I’d say I’ve heard abuse with divorce as an option encouraged approximately zero to 1 time in my time in church. And this is the story of many Christian women who experience abuse. Marriage is praised and encouraged, which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But I hope for a day when we can praise and encourage people who have made the hard decision to leave an abusive or addiction situation and divorce. I imagine God, much like freeing his people from Pharaoh, is heartbroken for the abuse they suffered but also celebrating the new freedom they are walking toward. Women divorcing are gaining life and freedom and this should be encouraged.

How Can I Help?

Remember that the person you’re meeting with knows scripture and has the Holy Spirit. They don’t need you to recite scripture and ask if they’ve really prayed and thought about their decision. Most women leaving abuse have experienced it relentlessly for months or years. And most abusers don’t get help. So, if she’s decided to divorce, support her and lean into her wisdom and experience.

Let her make the decision to leave. She may stay or go. And more than once. Leaving is certainly going to help her to establish safety, but it’s also a time when abusers escalate, and she can be, for a time, at more risk than before. Know that there are complex reasons for why people decide to stay or go. Support her either way.

Offer practical ways to support. Helping with her children, making a meal, giving a safe space to talk are all a lifeline for someone experiencing abuse.

In churches, at the very least, we need to be discussing it from the pulpit. If up to 40% of people in church are victims or perpetuating abuse, we need to also be addressing safety measures in the church and issues of justice for people who have been harmed.

If you’ve been challenged by this, I would encourage you to keep reading and listening. I’ll share one of my favorite articles by Gary Thomas here as another resource. If your church, or you as a believer and friend, are struggling to know how to support women experiencing abuse, please reach out. We’d love to come alongside and support you.