Hope is a word that brings most people comfort but, for me, it felt impossible. I had tried everything. I had read every book, gone to counseling, attended marriage conferences, given my all to my marriage even when I had nothing left to give. But nothing had really changed. I felt worse, not better. I had become a shell of myself. I once described it to a friend as feeling like I had all this light in a jar that held the best pieces of me, and there was only one little glimmer of light left. And God must have heard me say that, because of what happened next.
Nestled in the mountains of Asheville, North Carolina, on a trip designed to begin my healing journey, I opened a meditation app called Encounter that I had just started using. The meditation was on hope and I started to cry before I even pushed play. Everything in me wanted to run because I thought it would just reinforce all the things I needed to do that I didn't have the strength to do. But something told me to listen to it anyway. As the gentle voice began the guided meditation, he spoke of hope being a light that fills you. He explained that this can only come from "the rising sun of hope from God," not from our own efforts. I imagined opening up that empty jar of my soul to God and watching Him refill it completely. I wanted it to take hold, but my heart was resistant.
I took a hike up the mountain to let the words of the meditation sink into my soul. I felt drawn to a spot near the top and stopped to look out over the trees. Just then, the sun rose and light spilled over into the exact spot I was standing. The rest of the trail was still completely shaded by the trees. I felt God's spirit physically filling me and cried tears of relief as I finally accepted that hope was not something else to strive for. It was a gift freely given by a God who loves me and wants to care for me.
Friend, I see you. I know that hope hurts and feels impossible. But hope doesn't mean that you have to try harder. It means you have to stop trying and give this healing process over to the One who will never let you down. Hope doesn't mean you have to trust the one who betrayed or harmed you. It means you have to trust the One who gave you life and a purpose and a future.
Begin today by trusting in a few truths. You are loved. You are worthy. You are not alone. Here's a promise to repeat to yourself in times of doubt.
"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised...I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me." Jeremiah 29:11-13 MSG
He is holding you, and He will refill your hope jar with His light.
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