Do you remember playing that game during recess? I certainly do. I would pick the flower that looked the most promising and then pluck one petal off at time saying, "He loves me...He loves me not. He loves me...He loves me not." All the while, I was praying that the flower would tell me that my crush, Paul, did in fact love me.
The game is sweet and harmless in elementary school, but what if we experience the same feelings of uncertainty within the framework of our marriage? What if one day he loves you and then suddenly, he loves you not?
I meet with women each and every day that are experiencing immense confusion about this phenomenon. They explain that their husband is sometimes kind and fun and devoted and then, like a light switch, he is withdrawn and sullen. Sometimes this is because of something small she's done that he feels is a very big transgression. She may have forgotten to pick up milk on the way home or pressed her husband's pants the "wrong" way. Sometimes the mood change is out of nowhere and jarring to the wife. She asks questions like, "Is it my fault?" or "But he's been so stressed - Am I expecting too much?" or even "Am I blowing this out of proportion? Everybody has a bad day/week/month/season."
So let's explore those questions together and begin to clear up some of that confusion. Sound good? Good.
Is it my fault?
No one is perfect. We are all sinners saved by grace. But you are never in charge of another person's response to you. They are completely, 100% in charge of their behaviors. If you did something to upset or disappoint your husband without realizing it, he has the responsibility to communicate that with you kindly. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:32 ESV, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Please don't feel as if this verse is meant to condemn you. You are already being tenderhearted by seeking to explore your role in the conflict and restore the relationship. We are looking for the same thing from your spouse. Is he willing to admit where he's falling short? Is he ready to come to you with a tender and forgiving heart? Those are signals that he is focused on repentance and reconciliation.
But he's been so stressed - Am I expecting too much?
Stress does have a big impact on our lives! It can wear us down and make us irritable with those closest to us. If this question has come to your mind, it means you are a compassionate person who cares for others.
So where do you draw the line? What's the normal "Oh, he's just stressed out" response and whats a destructive response? I would ask you to look at your own behavior. What do you do when you are stressed? Make a quick list. Do you take a bath? Get some more rest? Spend time with friends? Journal? Now make a list of what he does when he's stressed. Does his list include healthy coping tools like taking walks or reaching out to friends or does his list have items like yelling, withdrawing, or blaming you for his mistakes? Those two lists will often show you if there are destructive behaviors.
The bottom line is that stress is not a free pass to treat people however we want. Stress is a signal for adults to care for their bodies and minds in healthy ways that alleviate the stress. It is never your responsibility to make the household calmer in order to prevent a negative reaction from your spouse or partner.
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
I wish I could answer this definitively for you, but I also know that your instincts are probably very good. If you are sensing that something is off, trust it. If you'd like to know if destructive patterns exist in your relationship, Leslie Vernick offers an assessment in her book, "Are You In an Emotionally Destructive Relationship?" The score will tell you if you are dealing with a normal level of marital conflict or more destructive types of behavior.
Note: f you are seeing destructive patterns, we are here to come alongside you. Here's a link to our resources page to get you started on your healing journey! If you would benefit from meeting with us, feel free to schedule a session.
Okay, now take a deep breath for me. When we take a minute to look at how God loves us, I believe it gives us a beautiful view of His hopes for our marriages. And so I will leave you with this as the blueprint for how our God wants you to be loved.
Praise the Lord! He is good. God’s love never fails.
Psalm 136
But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.
Psalm 86:15
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8: 1
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
Sending love and light to you!
Kate
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