Have you ever left a conversation feeling like you are certain the way you recalled an event was pretty accurate, but the other person tells a totally different story? How about having this kind of conversation over and over? Gaslighting is trying to shift your perspective about a situation and make you question your own judgement. It’s lying with the intention of causing you to question your own memory. It keeps you questioning yourself and makes you feel like you’ve lost your solid footing on what is real and what isn’t.
This is a common strategy used by abusers to keep you confused and unable to get out from under them. So how do you know if what you’re experiencing is gaslighting?
You are repeatedly told your recall of something was wrong. You are certain it happened one way, but your partner, boss, or friend tells you it happened another way. If this happens one time, it can just be a difference in perspective, but if you find this happening with the same person over and over again, this is a definite red flag.
You lose a sense of what’s real. One of the scary and confusing elements of gaslighting is not knowing what’s up or down. You used to feel solid, like you knew the truth and now you are questioning everything.
Begin to question your own instincts and decision making. You don’t trust your own thoughts, feelings or judgement anymore. If this has been happening for months or years you likely lean more on others for their input versus trusting your own.
Feel exhausted. You are trying to keep up with and keep track of what is real and what isn’t and you are consistently tired.
You push back and make no progress. Conflicts aren’t resolved. You are sharing the same thing over and over and the other person doesn’t seem to hear or believe you.
Probably accompanied by other abusive behaviors. If your partner, colleague or family member is using gaslighting, they are probably also critical, name calling, making jokes about you, dismissing your needs and feelings, isolating you or some other combination of destructive behaviors.
If reading this feels a lot like what you’re experiencing, it may be time to reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend or counselor to start exploring your needs and next steps. And check back later this month for some steps to take to clear up some of the confusion.
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