Discovering a betrayal or recognizing chronic abuse by a partner or family member has devastating effects. The pain and grief hit like tidal waves that threaten to take you down. Even as you do the soul-wrenching work of recovery, you wonder if you are making progress or simply treading water. But then, something clicks. The injustice sinks in. You are no longer trying to defend your abuser or betrayer. You are no longer making excuses for their consistent disregard for your needs or your well being. You see the abuse clearly, and you get angry. Really angry. But that anger feels forbidden...dangerous, even.
Anger tends to get a bad rap, especially in Christian circles. We are "called to forgive" and asked to "turn the other cheek". But as I dig deeper into the ministry of Jesus, I see a God who feels anger and expresses it. I see a God that wants human needs to be prioritized above all else.
In Mark 3, the Pharisees are watching Jesus and waiting for him to break the Sabbath. A man with a shriveled hand asks to be healed and they seize the opportunity to point out Jesus' transgression. Instead of accepting this false accusation, Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save a life or to kill?” (Mark 3:4). The Pharisees refused to answer Him, and His anger bubbled into hot tears. He was shocked that they had placed more value on the rules than this human being's needs. And then comes the best part...Jesus defiantly heals the man.
There is a place for defiance. Jesus shows us that very clearly in this passage. When there is an injustice happening against one of His children, His anger bubbles over into hot tears. He will not stand for it. In fact, He will stand up against it.
If angry, hot tears are bubbling up in you because of an injustice that you've experienced,
know that Jesus is crying and angry, too. Your tears are precious to Him and He does not want your mistreatment to continue. The anger you feel is righteous, and sometimes its the exact fuel you need to move forward toward healthy relationships.
Fuel is defined as "supply" or "power" and abusive relationships take those exact things from us. Abuse, at it's very essence, is using power over another. This anger you are feeling will give you your power BACK. That power will sustain you on your recovery journey. It will supply a fresh burst of clarity in those moments when you are ready to give up and just go back to the way things were.
God gave us anger to let us know that something is wrong. You have every right to feel it, but how can you leverage it in a healthy way? Begin by weighing the evidence. Take a moment to write down why you are angry. What injustices have been done to you? These notes will help you in moments where you question your own experience. When you ask yourself, "was it really that bad?" or "Am I making a bigger deal of this than it really is?", this list will serve as a factual reminder of reality. As the list spills out onto the page, think about how you'd like to be treated instead. How would your life change if those things were removed from your daily experience? Lastly, pray. Ask the Holy Spirit to hold that vision of a future life for you and to help you see what needs to change to make that happen. He wants that for you, even more than you do.
If you need support during this journey, I would love to meet with you for a complimentary first session. We will work together to develop a powerful vision of what your life can be, and come up with a step-by-step plan to get there.
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