She would guage his mood when he would get home from work. Every sense was heightened. Was he stoic and quiet or upbeat? Engaged with the kids or annoyed by them? Angry that the kitchen was messy or glad she was cooking dinner?
She would watch his body language, the way he reacted to everything. Because anything could send their night careening in the wrong direction. Anything. She would scan the house and make sure she had fixed all the things that had upset him before and hope he didn't find anything new, praying for a night without his debilitating control and coldness.
Struggling to find a way out of this darkness, she reached out for help and began to understand that she wasn't just working hard to be a good wife. She was living in a constant state of fear. She realized that, although he never hit her, he had cut her with his emotional knives thousands and thousands of times. She would do anything to avoid getting cut again.
Have you lived like this? Have you felt yourself being extremely sensitive to your surroundings or alert to any possible hidden dangers? Maybe you are more aware of the physical changes. An increase in your heart rate, or an inability to think clearly because your body is locked in panic mode. Experiencing emotional abuse over many years changes our brains. We begin to see normal, every day situations as dangerous and our bodies go into fight or flight mode. And it has a name. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD.
"C-PTSD sufferers who experienced abuse may engage in mental arguments with their abusers long after the abuse has ended. Most people with C-PTSD experienced ongoing abuse from someone (or multiple people) who repeatedly betrayed their trust, and blamed them for this betrayal. They were made the scapegoat of someone else’s shame, which eventually caused them to absorb this shame themselves."
Jackson MacKenzie - Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
This happens in betrayal trauma as well. "Betrayal trauma changes you. You have endured a life-altering shock, and are likely living with PTSD symptoms— hypervigilance, flashbacks and bewilderment—with broken trust, with the inability to cope with many situations, and with the complete shut down of parts of your mind, including your ability to focus and regulate your emotions." ― Sandra Lee Dennis
HEALING FROM C-PTSD
Healing from C-PTSD takes time and support, but it is possible. Here are a few steps you can take to start the healing process.
1. Find Purpose in the Pain
Explore the things you learned or the strength you showed in the painful relationship. Has the experience made you more creative? Given you ideas for a new ministry? Bolstered your creativity in some way? There are gifts hidden in the pain and uncovering them will help you begin to lean toward the light and away from the darkness.
2. Choose People Wisely
Your heightened sense of fear will make trust difficult. Surrounding yourself with emotionally safe people who make good choices will begin to rewire your brain toward safety. Each time they respect your feelings, honor their own values, or react calmly, your fears will begin to fade. If you are unsure about how to know if a person is safe or not, the book Safe People outlines helpful guidelines for you to follow.
3. Find Support
Please don't feel as if you have to do this healing work on your own. You need a support person (or three!) to guide you and cheer for you as you engage in recovery. A therapist or coach can help you through this process every step of the way.
4. Keep Your Eyes on the Future
I know it sounds simplistic, but thinking about possibilities can help your brain heal. Instead of constant awareness of potential dangers, you can shift your thoughts to all that God is providing and all that your life can be. Here are a few questions to begin exploring in your journal or on a quiet walk.
What positive qualities best describe you? For example, you might explore how you are caring, a good friend to others, have a good sense of humor, behave fairly, or enjoy spending time learning new things.
Take a moment to reflect upon your growth. What are the positive changes that you have created in your life as a result of your commitment to healing? Maybe, you have realized your capacity to be brave, determined, or mentally tough.
What hopes or visions do you have for your future? What new qualities would you like to expand and grow? What goals would you like to set for yourself? What do you need to support you to be successful?
What actions can you take to make a difference in the outcome of your life now? What helps you to feel empowered to shape your future in a positive direction?
5. Pray
Jesus has been afraid, alone, ridiculed and judged. He has experienced cruelty and betrayal and even death. He knows exactly how you feel, because He's been there. Cry out to Him. Find His promises in the Bible and say them over yourself each time the fear and doubt creeps in. He will show up in bigger ways than you can even imagine.
I will leave you with one of my favorite promises from the Bible and also with an invitation to download our Healing Toolkit. We pray that it calms your heart and gives you hope.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all." Isaiah 41:10-12 NIV
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