Have you ever thought of fear as a good thing? When fear creeps into my heart, I rush to quiet it. I pray and ask God to take it from me. But is that always the best response? Fear is uncomfortable, but it's also a gift from God to help us know that we should avoid unsafe situations. Fear is a primal and instinctual signal that something is wrong.
Fear directly affects our behavior as we learn what is dangerous and what is safe. We learn that we must avoid negative responses or consequences at all costs and we begin to evaluate how our choices could have caused that reaction. But when there is fear of an intimate partner, our wheels are constantly spinning as we try to find ways to placate them. Here's how this might play out in real life:
Julia loves to do yoga and it's her only time for herself during the week. She devotes the rest of her time to caring for her family and working a full-time job. Wednesday nights are yoga nights, and they help calm her from her busy week. But lately her husband has been complaining about how taxing her yoga nights are on him. He says the kids are rowdy and that he never gets any attention from Julia anymore. In fact, he sometimes wonders if she's really going to yoga. Is she actually telling him the truth?
Julia remembers that time a few weeks ago when she met up with friends and he accused her of meeting up with another man. She remembers how he lectured her for two hours and refused to believe her when she insisted she was only with a friend. She feels that deep sense of desperation as she explained over and over again that she hadn't done anything wrong. Reluctantly, she cancels her membership to the yoga studio and tells herself she can always do yoga at home. She doesn't have the energy for yet another conflict and she knows that tensions have been high. She can just sense that this will send him over the edge and she'd rather have a peaceful home than yoga.
We could view her as selfless. We could see this dynamic as insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Or we could see that he is using fear to control her. He confronted her about going out with friends and accused her of lying. He caused her great pain although she had never done anything to create distrust. That set the stage for her to avoid that pain at all costs. Even if it meant giving something up that was life giving, like yoga. How many other things do you think she will give up over the course of their relationship? The list is often quite long.
In my own life, I gave up hobbies, friendships, family relationships, and exercise. I stopped watching shows I enjoyed or listening to music he didn't like. I only bought his favorite foods instead of my own. I eventually forgot what I liked or who I was, all because he used fear to control me. But here's the good news: Everything that he took from me is now a part of my life again. My relationships are restored, my hobbies and identity are embraced and enjoyed. Best of all? I'm not afraid anymore.
You will be able to do the same, friend. I've seen it happen countless times. The first step is asking yourself if you are afraid of your intimate partner. Do you avoid doing normal every day things because it may upset him? Do you feel a jolt of fear when you know he's on his way home? Do you sometimes wish you still had the freedom to make choices without weighing his potential reactions? If so, maybe God is using your fear to help you. Maybe he's using it to show you that the current situation is untenable and that your needs matter.
We are here to meet with you in person to help you begin to sort through those initial questions. We also have several helpful resources listed on our site. In the meantime, we will pray for God to lead your steps and calm your heart. I'll leave you with this promise from Psalm 37:23-24: “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”
Comments