So...What is false guilt anyway? False guilt, also known as misplaced guilt or inappropriate guilt, refers to the feeling of guilt that you may experience despite not being responsible for the perceived wrongdoing or transgression. It happens when we believe you have done something wrong or failed to do something we should have, even when there is no valid reason for feeling guilty.
False guilt can be a distressing experience, leading us to blame ourselves for events or situations that are beyond our control or not caused by our actions. This can have negative effects on your mental and emotional well-being. You are left feeling anxiety, sadness, or even low self-esteem. While healthy guilt convicts us and prompts us to change, false guilt leaves us hurting and helpless. Here's a quick step by step list you can use to determine if the guilt you are feeling is healthy or false.
1. FEEL IT : Stuffing bad feelings is very tempting because they feel...well...bad. But allowing those feelings to surface will give them less power. They are only feelings and they can't hurt you. They are there to inform you, so let them out in a journal or by talking to a close and trusted friend
2. JUST THE FACTS : Pretend you are a reporter that is running a story on the argument or situation you are facing. Leave all the emotion out and list out the facts of events. Sometimes it's helpful to write it in chronological order to reflect on the sequence of events.
3. NOTICE MANIPULATION AND BLAME : Were there any instances of being blamed? Were there feelings of obligation, even if they were subtle? Who was blaming you? Was it a person, societal pressure, or even religious pressure? What are they saying to you? Is it reasonable?
4. ASSESS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY : What were you truly responsible for? Was it something that was under your control? What was your partner responsible for? Did each of you choose to take responsibility for your part or did you take more than your share?
5. FORGIVE YOURSELF : Decide to forgive yourself for the perceived guilt. Trying to make peace is an honorable thing, but it cannot be at the expense of your emotional safety. Give yourself some compassion by speaking to yourself gently and lovingly. You are learning! Now you will be more aware of any blaming that may be happening in your relationships or even in your mind.
NOTE: Remember, if you are making a decision to hold a toxic partner accountable or to leave that relationship, you do not own the responsibility for their pain. You are making those choices (HARD choices!) because of their actions. Allow that guilt to come and go knowing that BOTH of you matter in this relationship.
If you need any support, email me. I'd love to hear from you!
Kate
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