Making the decision to walk away from your relationship or marriage is a gut wrenching decision in any context, but it is much more severe when we've been mistreated by someone for years. We have invested SO MUCH. Everything, in fact. We have read all the books and listened to all the podcasts and have begged and pleaded with God to help him change. We have taken ownership of the relationship's survival and we just need to see him take a glimmer of a step to stay and keep fighting another day.
But we all have a breaking point. You find that hidden account or find out that he's cheated...again. Or maybe its much more subtle. Maybe you are making dinner and he criticizes your meatloaf, tells you to start watching your weight, then accuses you of trying to sabotage his healthy eating regimen by constantly making unhealthy food. This same type of interaction has happened thousands of times, but now you are taking care of yourself and seeing things a little more clearly. You are mad, distraught, and so very tired of this dance. If you stay even one more minute, you will fall apart.
As you begin to think about leaving, an icy fear fills your veins. He doesn't even allow you to go to the library alone...How can you leave?
There is a way to safely leave, my friend, and it all starts with emotional safety.
Have 1-2 Support People. You will know they are safe because you are able to openly share the relationship challenges and they do not try to "save" you and they allow you to make your own decisions in your own time.
Become Self-Supportive. Being able to support yourself financially brings you a sense of empowerment and gives you the wings you need to fly on your own. Maybe that means setting aside some extra money each pay day or taking some classes to get that degree or certification you've been wanting. No matter what, you want to be able to stand on your own two feet.
Find Relaxing Spaces. Even knowing you are planning to leave can induce high anxiety and you will need breathing room as you feel these waves of emotion. Find a coffee shop, a safe corner of your home, or even your car to give yourself time to feel.
Use Simple Self-Care. You will need soothing habits to care for yourself through this. Think about what things bring you comfort and allow yourself at least one thing a day. Here are a few ideas: Take long hot showers, journal, exercise, read, call a friend, sip a cup of coffee or tea slowly.
Your physical safety is critical to plan for during this time. Abusers see leaving as a confrontation and it is the most dangerous time for you. It's best to leave when he is not home and will not be home soon, but it's better to be prepared for his unexpected arrival. You may not need any of these safety precautions, but you will need some. Begin by considering his patterns. What does he do doing conflicts? Does he block entry ways? Steal your phone or your keys? Choke you or hold you down? Knowing what he's done in the past will help you plan for the future.
Have a set of keys hidden. You'll need to be able to leave before you planned to if conflict escalates. Have a set of keys hidden so that you have access to them once you are out of the house.
Map exits. If he blocks entryways, begin to make your way to that exit before the argument gets to that point so that you can escape if necessary.
Back your car into your driveway. This will make leaving much easier for you if you need to leave quickly.
Have copies of all important paperwork, cards, and phone numbers compiled and packed. Once you leave, expect a flood of emotion that will blur your thinking. Having all of that packed in a bag in your car will give you one less thing to think about.
Block all communication with him. If you have children, you will need to maintain some level of communication, but only about issues regarding the kids.
Consider security measures. Is it possible to get a restraining order? If you've been physcially injured, keep the documentation of that abuse with you. Even a journal entry will help a judge understand the gravity of your situation.
Lastly, know that it will take great strength to not go back. This is not your fault. It's the result of years of feeling safe only when you were reading his moods and working hard to please him. When you have moments of doubt, read through past journal entries or call a friend. Remember, you can love him the most by letting him suffer the consequences of his choices. It's the only way he will ever be able to change.
Sending God's love and light to you, friend!
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