Is it My Responsibility to Help Him Change?

The short answer is no. Your job is to heal, set boundaries, share your needs, and find ways to be/feel safe.

Many wives come to us sharing about all the ways they have tried to change their relationship through books, seminars, church conferences, marriage counseling, but then feel discouraged because they don’t see change in their partner. You’ve done all the things to learn and grow which speaks to your commitment and desire for change and this is wonderful and honorable! You have a desire for growth and change, but, and this is a BIG but, is he motivated to do this? Does he have a desire to grow and change? To own his behavior? When you ask him about it, does he blow it off, say he’ll do it but never follow through, or shift the blame to you and say you need to change? These are concerning responses and important information.

Destructive behaviors like addiction, affairs, or emotional abuse are not a marital problem. A typical Christian marriage book or conference is not geared toward destructive marriages, in fact some of what these books are sharing is harmful and puts the wife in a position of feeling like she needs to stay in the destructive marriage. Destructive behaviors need to be addressed by the person with the destructive behaviors and in an individual and specialized counseling setting or program. They won’t be fixed by you or by the typical book or conference. And the person with those harmful behaviors has to be committed to the work, and for the long haul, because it takes time.

Hearing this is often discouraging. It means, you can’t do it for him and in fact it may bring to light more quickly that he’s not willing or able to do this work, leaving you with some important decisions to make. You are not alone friend. We sit with women every week who are making these hard decisions. This may be the time to reach out to a friend or start some counseling to get the support you need.

Keep in mind, that what you can do are the things I mentioned right from the start- heal, set boundaries, share year needs, and find safety.