Mutuality is the idea that there is back and forth in a relationship, a give and take. It promotes the growth and well-being of both people in the relationship. Mutuality is not one person always giving or one person always taking. Natalie Hoffman, author of “Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage,” argues that mutuality is biblical and a foundation of a Christian marriage. Some churches lean on 4 or 5 verses about marriage, when really all scripture on relationships should be taken into account. Depending on the kind of church or faith background you were raised in, you might feel very comfortable with a marriage relationship being mutual or you might have strong feelings against it. Hear me out.
Often verses like Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything,” are taken out of context to mean a man has final say in all things and carte blanche to harmful behaviors. When I work with women who are experiencing abuse in their marriages, these verses are often quoted by their spouse, a pastor, or another believer in a way that tells the woman she has to stay in her abusive marriage. Or that it is acceptable for her husband to behave that way because he is in charge. This verse has even been used to justify marital rape. The alternative to mutuality is power-over and this is not the model Christ portrayed in giving up all he had and becoming like a servant. Even if you believe based on those few verses that the husband should be the head of the household and final decision maker, if both spouses agree to this, then there is still mutuality in this. It is something you have jointly agreed to. And a man who is living out his calling to honor his wife and behave like Christ, would treat her with love, respect, and honor. He would care about her needs and desires. He would give equal weight to her opinion. Natalie shares that all Christian relationships are governed by the law of love and, "...if your marriage is not usually reflecting mutual love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control, it’s not a healthy marriage, let alone a Christian one.”
In her book, she proposes six characteristics of mutuality that make a healthy, Christian relationship: mutual love, respect, honesty, vulnerability, responsibility, and submission. Check out these verses that point to mutuality in how we live out our marriage relationships:
Mutual Submission
Ephesians 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Philippians 2:3-5, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Mutual Love
John 15:12, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”
Ephesians 4:2-3, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
Mutual Respect
Romans 12:10, “Honor one another above yourselves.”
1 Peter 3:7, “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives.”
1 Corinthians 13:4, “Love does not dishonor others.”
And this is just to name a few. Can you imagine a relationship where one person isn’t showing this mutuality? What if he isn’t showing love? What if she isn’t honest or responsible? Marriage can’t work when both individuals aren’t treating the other in these ways.
And we do this because of love. Because marriages work when both people find ways to respect, love, and submit to one another.