We are fresh off the heels of Hurricane Ian and I've felt a new sense of helplessness. The needs are just so...enormous. Every corner reveals more houses being condemned due to flood damage and every conversation reveals another family facing homelessness. What can you do in the face of so much need? Where do you even begin?
It made me think about you and all of the emotional storms you've experienced. There's a huge sense of helplessness as you begin to navigate your way through and out of a toxic relationship. The destruction can seem so vast and the damage irreparable. When you take a step back and survey the damage, it's tempting to think that it's hopeless. It can feel like the only choice you have is to put those feelings in a filing cabinet in your brain and just keep going. And so you give them the benefit of the doubt, look at the bright side, and pray for change as you lick the wounds from the latest destructive interaction.
The problem with that system is that you are experiencing the complete brunt of that emotional storm. Hurt, pain, and sometimes even shame fill your heart and impact your life in emotional and physical ways. Survivors experience headaches, stomach aches, muscle tingling, and panic attacks while the person who harmed you through their words and actions does not experience those same consequences. So how can you even begin to change that?
To stop the feeling of helplessness, we must access the opposite emotion. Would you agree that the opposite of helpless is empowered? In order to no longer feel helpless, you need to experience power over your circumstances. Interestingly, power and control are the hallmarks of every abuser and it's easy to forget that you have any power. But you do! You are more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus (Romans 8:37). You have all the choice in the world about how you allow people to treat you and how much access they have to your heart. Gaining your power and your voice have nothing to do with controlling the actions of others and everything to do with protecting yourself. I know...it feels impossible right now. Those verbal assaults seem to come out of nowhere. How in the world can you protect yourself from that?
Start by taking a hard look at your partner's worst offenses. This isn't a tattle tale list; it's meant to help you understand what behaviors are hurtful to you. (Special note: Keep this list in a password protected app or with a friend so that you are protected). Does he/she get angry anytime you go out with friends? Does he belittle you in front of others and point out embarrassing or private things? Does he block exits during arguments or take a tall, intimidating stance when you stand up to him? List those things out and begin to note the patterns. If your brain is too fuzzy right now, that's okay. Just record the latest infractions and go from there.
Once you have a list, think about what you want, need, or expect in that situation. For example, if he's belittling you, you want the belittling to stop. State that by clearly saying something like, "I want you to stop belittling me." Stay clear and to the point - There's no need to justify your desire to be treated with respect. Next, have a consequence that you can 100% follow through independently. It may be something like, "If you choose to belittle me in front of friends, I will get an Uber home." Now you have a plan of action and you are no longer trapped! Do you see the power in that?
"But he won't like that one bit," you say. You may be right. But you are not responsible for his response. Be kind and calm and clear as you express what you want, need, or expect, and you will begin to experience empowerment rather than helplessness. I encourage you to practice with people that are safe in your life. Like every skill, it takes repetition to build your confidence and ability.
Most of all, know that Jesus wants to see you rise again. He wants your spirit to be free. "But taking her by the hand he called, saying, 'Child, arise.' And her spirit returned and she got up at once." (Luke 8:54) I'm praying for your recovery and will lift you up each time I see a roof covered in tarp. Because just like that roof, you will be restored and made new in His name.
Love,
Kate
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