The idea of boundaries for many feels mean, hurtful, or ungodly. We worry that imposing boundaries means the person impacted by the boundary will pull away from us or be angry. We worry we’re not being a faithful enough Christian if we’re saying no. Or we worry about hurting our children’s feelings.
The idea of a boundary is pretty simple. It draws a line around what is ok and what is not ok for you. I am ok with going to dinner tonight or I’m not. I’m ok with this volunteer commitment or I’m not. I’m ok with my child spending X amount of time on the computer or not. However, sounding simple doesn’t change the concerns we have about how others will respond or how it will feel for us.
But there are higher risk situations where boundaries become more critical for our faith and our marriages, even life-saving. Let’s talk about a few areas of boundary struggles and why boundaries are so valuable.
Harm in Marriage
It’s not unusual for me to meet with a partner, man or woman, who is unsure of the idea of setting a boundary, particularly around a harmful behavior. Especially in the faith community, a boundary often feels like they are doing something wrong. They somehow violated their marriage vows or harmed their spouse if they set a boundary.
It becomes dangerous when church goers don’t hear enough about boundaries in the church setting but hear a lot about submitting and being a faithful spouse. Women feel unsure if they can set a boundary when their husband just had an affair or drained their bank account while gambling for the 4th night this month. They believe they should pray more or be a better husband so she won’t behave that way. But it never occurs to them that they can say “I’m not ok with this behavior.” Or they have often been so degraded over months and years that they don’t feel they are worthy of setting a boundary that respects their personhood. But the risk involved in not setting that boundary is continued emotional or even physical harm to the partner. An empty bank account. Sometimes consequences to their health due to ongoing stress and even PTSD. It also sends a message that this behavior is somehow acceptable or that the harmful behavior doesn’t need to be changed, just dealt with. No accountability often means no motivation to change and no safety or healing for the spouse.
Raising a Soon to be Husband
A recent study by Sarah McDugal indicates that 96.2% of abusive husbands were raised by mother’s who are enabling and engulfing with their sons, covered for their mistakes, had enmeshed relationships, and blamed others for their son’s actions. This information is incredibly significant. These men grow up feeling entitled and don’t believe their actions have consequences in their own life. They will easily blame it on someone else. It’s a dangerous situation for a future partner. And often not setting boundaries is more about us than the person the boundary relates to. We don’t want to feel the anxiety that comes with a potential conflict. Or having to follow through with the consequences of that boundary. It’s uncomfortable for us, so we don’t do it. But the long-term consequences of making that choice as a parent, will have to be dealt with by a future spouse.
Boundaries & the Faith Community
I once heard a saying that went something like, “If you need something done in a church setting, ask the busiest person.” Churches are filled with program after program, meeting after meeting and typically not enough volunteers or staff to make it all happen. I have rarely, if ever, heard a message about the value or Godliness of boundaries.
The Bible, however, is full of boundaries. Scripture about how we should or shouldn’t treat others. The Ten Commandments. God creating the oceans to meet the sand, but not overtaking the earth. Jesus leaving his disciples or the crowds for times of prayer or rest. Boundaries are necessary tools for living healthy lives and living in community with others.
The concern in the church staff or pastor not setting an example when it comes to boundaries, is what we’ve already discussed above. Women in particular are afraid to speak up for themselves or draw a line because it seems it’s not the Godly thing to do. And to take it one step further, if a partner does set boundaries, they worry that God will not be happy with them or withdraw. If they take time away from activities to address a crisis in their marriage, they feel they are not being good enough as a believer. This can shake the foundation of faith for a partner when it is often the most critical for his or her stability and healing.
Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do for others and ourselves. We can’t love our selves well or others well if we don’t value our needs and space enough to say no when we mean no. If your faith community doesn’t agree with boundaries or hasn’t supported you in them, find a faith community that will. Find friends that will. You are worth it!
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