When you’ve experienced life with a destructive or addicted person for any length of time, the way they treat you and the unhealthy cycle you’ve lived in start to take its toll. One of the more damaging aspects are the messages about who you are that play on repeat in your mind. I can’t do anything right. If only I were… Maybe I should just forgive and move on. Part of this is my fault. If I were trying harder, praying more he would change.
What’s so harmful about these is you believe them, and they start to play out in how you feel or how you behave. Working harder to make the house as clean as possible before he comes home. Picking up the pieces when he relapses and making excuses to his employer and family. Buying the sexy outfit hoping that will turn his desire to you. It’s maddening because at the end of the day, none of those things will change him. Only he will change him. And it leaves you feeling anxious, heartbroken, in despair or angry.
Much of the healing work is in knowing the truth about who you are. When you know it deep down, it begins to shift how you feel about yourself (and others) and you can set healthy boundaries for yourself. I’m going to name some of those truths and if they speak to you, save them somewhere and look at them often! For all the times you’ve spoken lies to yourself or been told lies about who you are, you will need to fill yourself even more with these truths-
It is ok and healthy to set boundaries as a Christian wife. I can set boundaries because that keeps me healthy and safe and if my partner could accept those boundaries, it would help him to be a healthier person as well.
It is healthy to experience and share my anger. I haven’t done anything wrong by feeling or sharing my anger.
It is not my fault and there is nothing wrong with me that caused my partner to behave the way he does. He can take ownership of his own behavior and shouldn’t blame me.
I can forgive when it makes sense to me. I am allowed to have time to heal and remembering what happened reminds me of what is healthy and safe and what is not. It’s valuable information and I’m not being unforgiving or bitter because I remember my pain and make choices that will keep me safe in the future.
I am beautiful, smart, and capable. No one decides my value and whether someone thinks I’m valuable, my skills or beauty don’t play a role in their destructive choices.
I don’t have to do anything to fix the destructive behavior of my partner. There isn’t another book I can read, conference I can attend, prayer I can pray, or pastor I can speak to that will cause him to make different choices. That rests solely on him.
I can do this. Whether it is staying well or leaving well, I am a capable, resourceful and I have done hard things before. It won’t be easy, but it is what I feel is most healthy and gives me a sense of hope.
Let these truths be a balm to your soul and repeat them often, my friend.
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