One of the very first steps for a partner who is in a relationship where he or she has been harmed or betrayed, is to identify what is needed to restore safety and trust. These are critical to repairing a relationship and having any hope of the relationship surviving. For some this is new and uncomfortable. Many betrayed partners I meet are not necessarily comfortable with setting boundaries or asking for what they need, but again, this is incredibly important not only for your health and well-being, but for the future of the relationship.
Let’s look at a few areas that often need to be addressed to identify ways to build safety and trust. For each category below, start by asking yourself, “In order to begin to feel safe and rebuild trust with _________, I need_________.”
Emotional Safety
You may need to know your partner will attend counseling and follow through with recommendations. You may need them to immediately end an affair. You may need them to immediately stop name calling, degrading, and gas lighting. Accountability, access to accounts, weekly check-ins and notice of relapses are other things that can increase a sense of emotional safety and trust.
Financial Safety
Access to bank accounts, shared or separate bank accounts, your own bank account or a weekly review of expenses and the budget are some places to consider for finances, depending on the type of harm or betrayal.
Physical Safety
If your partner is struggling to stick to your boundaries or the pain of their abuse or betrayal has been very painful then you may want physical space. This can mean a separate bedroom, separate sides of the house or even a therapeutic separation. This can also mean limitations of non-sexual physical touch or boundaries around them seeing you undress or shower.
Sexual Safety
In order to feel safe sexually, you may want to limit some or all sexual contact. For sex addiction, this is often recommended for a period of 90 days to give the addicts brain some time to rewire and to allow time to build some safety, trust, and sobriety before re-engaging in sex.
Relational Safety
This is a time to determine who knows your story and how much and to determine who are the safe people you and your partner will find support from.
Some other things to consider in creating this safety plan is, how long and with what are you willing to be patient about and what needs to happen sooner rather than later? What are your deal breakers? Are you willing to follow through on these requests and if they aren’t met, what will your next steps be? And remember that boundaries are flexible. So if your partner takes steps to rebuild trust, you may change some of your guidelines.
If this is something you’re considering because of harm in your relationship, then hear me when I say, these are not easy steps to take. And you are also not alone in this. Many have experienced harm and found freedom and healing—sometimes with or without their partner. Whatever that looks like for you, you can do this and you are worth it!
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