If you’ve ever needed support for a toxic relationship dynamic, you know two things. Support can be a life saver and “support” can border on abusive, or at the least, make you more confused and hurt.
Particularly in a time of crisis or important decision making, it's vital to have people in your life who will listen, empathize, and even help with tangible needs when requested. But how do you know who those people are?
In my own journey, I experienced both kinds of people. One dear friend, who walked beside me through some really tough moments, said she couldn’t relate to all of the details of what I was experiencing, but would stick beside me and be a good listener. Hearing that was like coming up for air after being under water. Balm for my hurting heart. She didn’t promise to give me the right advice or make my problems go away, she said she’d be there.
There were people who meant well, but their words caused more pain. In a time of crisis, while people can be well meaning, it’s important to set more boundaries with some folks because you need time to process your own pain and decide what your next steps are without navigating through someone else’s unhelpful feedback.
Here are 4 places you need to draw a line and walk away-
“If you would just…”
Run when you hear this phrase. This phrase ends with—try harder, submit, forgive more, look past. And if your relationship is an abusive or destructive one, these words intend to put the responsibility for your partners behavior and/or recovery on your shoulders and this is ABSOLUTELY not your burden to bear.
“But the Bible says…”
If you are in abusive circumstance and someone begins to quote Bible verses to get you to stay, I’m going to say it again, RUN. Natalie Hoffman, author of “Is It Me, Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage,” uses the term savior complex to describe the way churches and people in churches will try at all costs to save the marriage, even at the expense of the person dying inside the marriage. Healthy relationships are about mutuality, not power over. Healthy relationships are about reflecting Christ as a kind, patient, gentle, giving person. If your spouse is harming you with their words or behavior, with no effort to change his/her behavior, then they have already broken the covenant of marriage. God values the person over the institution of marriage and if someone is telling you to stay based on a scripture, then they may be confused about the God we serve.
“You need to change…about yourself”
This again puts the burden of change in the relationship on you instead of the destructive person. Trying to change your partner or change yourself in order to change your partner is not only not going to help, but it puts an insane amount of responsibility on you. If something goes wrong, it’s your fault. If something seemingly goes right, then it reinforces the idea that his/her behavior was yours to change. It also continues a false narrative about how these behaviors can or should be changed. Abuse is not a marital problem, it’s the responsibility of the one who’s doing the harming. These words also continue the expectations you may have already been hearing from your partner, only furthering the confusion and abuse. You are NEVER responsible for or to change the abuse. And nothing you can change about yourself will change your partner.
“Well, he only did…” Or “She must have meant something else when she said/did that”
This is called minimizing and rationalizing. Abuse is abuse. Destruction is destruction. An affair is an affair. Minimizing it is dangerous for you, more than anyone else. If you feel the behavior is less than it really is, then you may begin to make excuses for it, and you continue to be at risk for further emotional or even physical harm. It’s ok to call it what it is. It’s not to shame or belittle your partner. But you can’t make accurate decisions about what you need and what your boundaries will be if you can’t call it what it is. It’s also important for your partner to own up to the actual behavior, not some dumbed down version of it. If a friend or family member doesn’t want to call it what it is, they may not be the best support for you.
--- Walking away doesn’t have to mean forever and it doesn’t mean you can’t maintain friendships with these people. It just means you may need to be more particular about what you share and the advice you take. It’s ok to guard your heart, it is after all, the source of life.
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