Trauma Bonds

The idea of Trauma Bonds (or Betrayal Bonds) is newish to the mental health community. But if you’ve found yourself wondering why you stay in destructive relationships or you feel like you keep ending up in abusive relationships, trauma bonding might explain some of it.

Trauma bonding “occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.” Moments of abuse release cortisol and adrenaline and moments of kindness or intimacy release oxytocin and dopamine. Years of this intense chemical pattern makes it seem normal. Addiction develops to this intensity and intensity is mistaken for love. Lack of abuse is mistaken for kindness and love, instead of actual kindness and love. And calm relationships seem boring. While you may not be consciously drawn to a harmful person, there is something subconscious that is familiar to you that draws you in.

So what are some signs you might be in a trauma bond? Here are some indicators according to Patrick Carne's Betrayal Bond Assessment:

· You obsess about people who have hurt you even though they are long gone.

· You go overboard to help people who have been destructive to you.

· You continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you.

· You trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable.

· You unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships.

· You try to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

· You persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem, and they are not willing to listen.

· You attract untrustworthy people.

· You continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

· You find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship.

· There is a constant pattern of non-performance in a relationship, but you continue to expect them to follow through anyway.

· You have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody.

If you’ve read through this list and it sounds like your current or past relationships, there is help. Julie Owens, an expert in the field of domestic abuse, shares some insight for what you can do if you believe you are experiencing trauma bonds:

· Commit to reality and truth (stop hoping and waiting)

· Live in reality. Notice how trapped and unloved you feel

· Live one decision at a time, one day at a time

· Make only decisions that support your self-care

· Talk to yourself in a compassionate understanding way

· Remind yourself it’s a process and it will take time

· Do not mentally beat yourself up

· Make only choices that are in your best interest

· Start feeling your emotions and writing them down

· Understand the “hook.” What does the abuser have/do that gets you? What are you losing?

· Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. What are your deal breakers?

· Begin to grieve losses

· Build your life little by little, start dreaming of your future

· Build healthy connections not centered on drama

· Be with people who show you loving concern

· Reach out for professional help as needed

You don't have to do this alone. If this is you, reach out to us and we can help you take the next step to getting safe and starting your healing journey.