Hey everyone! We’re spending this month talking about support. And particularly I want to talk about what good support looks like if you’ve experienced harm, betrayal, or abuse. This can happen in a dating relationship or marriage, but it also may have happened in your family growing up, in your current work environment, or with a friend. Especially if you have some history with abuse and toxicity, and now you find yourself in a toxic relationship, it can be hard to know what healthy support looks like. Let me share some thoughts on good support.
Empathy
Some of you have possibly seen Brene Brown’s incredibly popular video about empathy. She shares about how it sounds like “I hear you,” “I’m with you” and “that makes sense.” It doesn’t sound like, “Well, at least…” or changing the subject or trying to cheer someone up. It’s a very powerful being with that allows you to be where you are and doesn’t try to move you out of your feelings.
Being believed
This is so very important when we’ve had the courage to finally share our story of hurt and abuse. A good friend doesn’t question what steps you took in that circumstance. They don’t try to investigate for missteps. If they know you, they know you enough to know you’re not a liar and you didn’t make up this story to cause chaos in your life or the life of the person who harmed you. In fact, often more pain and suffering happen when you start to get free from abuse, so it’s not as if life becomes a picnic once you’ve shared your story. It often gets harder. In a recent training, they shared that 2% of women make up abuse stories. So, listen for your friend to believe you without questioning the details.
Space to Make Your Own Decision
As people, we seem to first be fixers. I sit with couples and individuals in my office every week who hear a person’s hurt or struggle and their first response is to offer a solution. We feel uneasy with feelings and in order to move past them we try to offer something that will make the feelings go away. And particularly in abuse, I have heard stories of friends, family members, or churches who will give you the answer. It’s typically black or white. “Leave him.” “Stay. You’d have a hard time finding some other woman who’s that godly.” “How could you possibly still be with him if he did that?” Stick with a friend who walks beside you as YOU make YOUR decision.
Supporting Your Need for Safety
Often there are safety needs. Leaving the home. Separating finances. Limiting communication. Permission to share your own story. Limiting sex. Attending a different service or church altogether. A healthy support person will not only understand your need for safety, but maybe even help you make those things happen.
Believing You have the Holy Spirit Too
This is a sad circumstance I see too often. Offering scripture or biblical wisdom, because you must not know the right scripture or have the Holy Spirit guiding your decision making. A good friend will know your faith and that you have both read scripture and have a personal relationship with Jesus, and they will not try to share scriptures that you should consider before you leave your abusive spouse or toxic workplace. Or encourage you to pray about your decisions first. While well intentioned, it assumes you don’t already do or know those things and it sounds like you might need to re-think your decision or understanding of abuse.
Take a minute right now to think about these traits. Does this sound like anyone you know? Hopefully it does. Hopefully there are at least 2 or 3 people you know that offer this kind of love and kindness. If you have these people, they are likely safe people to share your story with, to confide in and to ask for needs if you have them. If you don’t, this is the perfect time to start seeking out those friendships.
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