Waking up to an abusive relationship brings a huge onslaught of emotion. Pieces are falling into place that explain why you've felt so confused, so empty, and so lost. You are gaining words in your vocabulary to describe this hidden abuse. Words like "gaslighting" and "smear campaign" give voice to behaviors that previously felt slippery, insidious and impossible to truly explain. But as you timidly step into sharing that experience with others in hopes of being validated, you are sometimes met with blank stares and disbelief.
Countless survivors have shared this same experience. They walk bravely into telling their story and find their reality questioned once again as people say things like, "That doesn't match up to the person I know," or, "but she always seemed like such a great girl." The survivor is left reeling as they not only have experienced betrayal from their abuser, but also from people whom they expected safe and unconditional support.
Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, describes it this way. "The person who was intended to be a safe harbor in their life is actually silently drowning them. This is done right in plain sight, too. Frequently , the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is and how luck the survivor is to be connected to the abuser."
Know this, friend. Safe people will believe you without you having to prove it. Psychological abusers have a tremendous ability to hide their behaviors from everyone except their target. It does not have to be your job to convince others that you have been harmed. It is your job to heal. So how can you do that when your life is crumbling around you? Here are a few ideas to get you started.
1. Find a counselor or coach with experience in sorting through these issues.
Before beginning therapy or a coaching relationship, feel free to ask how much work they have done with people in destructive relationships. The last place you should have to defend yourself is in a therapeutic environment. Together, you will develop a treatment plan that will take you from devastation to thriving.
2. Find a local or online support group.
Sharing your experience with others who have walked through the same fire will validate your emotions and responses to the abuse. It will also help you begin to gain courage and empowerment as you become more educated about abuse and the healing process. Here are a couple of options for you:
Healing from Hidden Abuse Support Group: Known and Loved Counseling Center
3. Choose a few experts to "befriend".
There are some powerful voices in the healing community that can help you feel supported even if it's only over YouTube. Here are some of our favorites:
Leslie Vernick: Relationship Truth Unfiltered
Healing will come in its own time and support can make all the difference in the world. Know that we are supporting you and praying over you already.
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