As I entered into a separation from my husband, my mind was plagued with worries about what the impact would be on my children. Would they have lifelong scars because of this decision? Would they resent us? Would they ever be able to have a healthy and stable marriage if they watched ours crumble? And worst of all...Would they be safe?
If you are in a destructive marriage, you may be asking yourself many of the same questions. You may be wondering if you should stay for the kids so that they don't have to experience the trauma of a separation and/or divorce. You've spent so many years taking responsibility for every thing that it only feels natural to continue to sacrifice your needs for the betterment of your children. But let me propose something different. What if standing up and demanding better treatment will actually help them be emotionally healthier?
In Japan, it's tradition to mend broken pottery with gold. In the end, the renewed piece is stronger and more beautiful than it was before. The same has been true for my family. We are broken but so much more beautiful. It is possible that the same will be true for yours. In fact, it may even be inevitable. Here are a few things you can expect when you begin to make your voice heard.
1. They will become stronger.
Getting them into counseling will allow them a safe space to share their perspective and their fears. Children sometimes say things like, "If I hadn't spilled my chocolate milk, Daddy wouldn't have left." A therapist can help them see that none of this is their fault. Consistent reassurance from you and their counselor will help them solidify that truth.
2. They will be emotionally healthier.
Kids watch their parents interact and internalize those dynamics on a daily basis. If you and your spouse are consistently arguing in front of them or they are seeing the coldness or fear or anger between the two of you, that will become their normal. No matter whether you decide to stay or go after the separation, you can begin changing that unhealthy dynamic now. As you become emotionally healthy and strong, your children will watch that transformation and begin to change as well.
3. They will learn what boundaries are and how to set them.
Many destructive relationships have boundary issues at their core. Difficult people do not respect or honor boundaries and often see them as an affront to their authority. Because of this dynamic, the other person in the relationship stops setting boundaries in order to keep the peace. After a separation, there is time to reevaluate and establish boundaries that protect your heart. Again, your children will see a change in you. They will see that you are honoring your own needs and begin to see their own as valid and worth protecting, too.
Please know that God has a plan and a future for you and your children. It is safe to feel hope in this transition. It is safe to let your hope rest in God. Romans 5:5 says, "And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Lifting you up in prayer now so that you can feel God's love pouring into your heart.
留言