Trapped. That's the word so many survivors use to describe their circumstances. There are so. many. things. out of their control. Their partner's moods, demands, and whims effect their sense of calm and comfort daily. They are driving home wondering what mood their partner will be in, praying and hoping for an easy evening without conflict. They forget something small and brace themselves for the impact of their partner's reaction. They make plans with friends but worry about their partner feeling disrespected, ignored, or angry. In short, every decision (or lack thereof) has the potential to create conflict and upset, and it's unpredictable.
If you are enduring anxiety provoking behaviors like these, you may feel as if you don't have any options. You can't control his/her responses (and I'll bet you've tried your best to be perfect so that he doesn't react!), but you do have power to live a life that is fulfilling to you. Whether you stay or leave, there are ways to find empowerment and joy. Here are some places to reclaim your power.
Power to Experience Joy
Do you remember the happiest time of your life? What did you love about that version of yourself? What activities or passions were you engaged in? Identifying things that you love or used to love to do can be a gateway into finding deep joy again. If jumping back into, let's say musical theater, feels like WAY too big of an undertaking, consider how you can start small. Could you listen to the soundtrack of your favorite musical while you fold laundry? Maybe watch a new one on your streaming service? Think of ways to dip your toes back into your passions and notice if you feel a spark of joy.
Power to Maintain Emotional Safety
You deserve to live and work in an environment that facilitates calm, however other people's actions sometimes disrupt that sense of safety. Friend, you do not hold the responsibility for other people's reactions or responses to you. Your phrasing, timing, or tone are not the reason for a strong and painful response from another even though they may be telling you it's your fault. Your power is held in how you respond. Here's a quick 3 step process to help you.
Validate: I see you are angry/upset/frustrated.
Set Limit or expectation: Please stop blaming me/yelling/accusing.
Find Safety: If you don't stop, I will ______ (take the kids out for ice cream while you settle down, head to my sisters for the night, etc.)
Get Support: Call someone who will remind you that you are not crazy or oversensitive and that it is not your fault that your partner reacted in that way.
Power to find strength in other people's support
There's power in numbers and hearing a friend say, "I'm so sorry. That wasn't right that he did that," can be the most healing balm for your soul. It can be tempting to keep things between you and your spouse - You would never want people to judge him or see him differently. But sharing our hardest moments gives the people we love an opportunity to speak love and compassion into our lives. If family members or friends don't feel like an option, support groups can be an amazing way to connect with others who have walked similar challenges. If you need support, you have the power to get it.
Power to Decide Your Level of Vulnerability
Your stories, experiences, feelings, joys, and challenges are all part of a beautiful tapestry that is uniquely you. It is quite vulnerable to trust someone enough to share those things with someone and you have all the power to decide how much of yourself to give. When someone violates our trust by harming us in some way, we have the opportunity to reevaluate the relationship closeness. You may see that sharing feelings increases the chance of a harming statement from your partner. If that's the case, you get to decide to hold back on feeling statements while he works to regain your trust in that area. Just because someone is our husband/mom/pastor/uncle, etc does not automatically qualify them to a certain level of access to you. That's up to you to decide.
While you will never have control of other people's actions, you will always be able to manage your own emotions, responses, and choices. My prayer is that you are able to take a moment today to think through areas of your life that you are ready to assert yourself. What positive and negative things may happen if you make that choice? You are an expert in your own life, and I know you will make the right choice for you.
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