This seems like a fair question. He’s physically or emotionally harmful to her. Friends and family members have seen it over the last few months (or years). So why in the world would she stay with him? There are a million reasons why she is staying, but before we get to those, let’s clear up one issue. If we are asking why she isn’t leaving, we are asking the WRONG question.
Surprisingly, this is something Kate and I still get asked from time to time and it’s heartbreaking. And this is why. It is terribly shaming to ask a victim why they aren’t leaving. You’re essentially saying there is something inherently wrong with her or her character. This person has likely considered it many times. She’s not blind to what’s occurring and for the reasons I’ll mention in a minute, has decided to stay. This line of questioning also shifts the blame for the problem onto the victim. It puts all of the responsibility on her. Her abuser is to blame, and the focus should be on him and his behavior. If she has had the courage to ask for help and your response is to interrogate her, you have likely lost trust and she will retreat back to the relationship because she didn’t get the support she needed. What we should be asking instead is, why is he (or she) being abusive and how can we help her (or him) to get support and safety?
So why does she stay? There are so many reasons and I’ll just name a few here, but most of them relate to how he has changed her world over time, making it increasingly more difficult for her to leave.
Financial insecurity. He is the primary bread winner or controls the finances, he may have asked or told her not to work, giving him more power over both the finances in the marriage and her resources to leave and support herself and her children.
Children. Fear for how this will impact the children, or he has threatened to take them if she leaves.
Limited support. Her support network is likely small so she has limited options for help (again because he has isolated her over time).
Living arrangements. This relates to both finances and support people, and both are likely limited.
Fear for safety. The most dangerous time for a victim is when she decides to leave.
Faith/Church. She has been told she is responsible for fixing him and being a good wife. If she leaves, she is not living up to what her faith asks of her.
Doubt. She questions if it really is abusive or if she has she made it all up/misunderstood (remember he is likely gaslighting her and this causes lots of confusion and second guessing yourself).
Believes he will change. She wants to think the best of him and when he shows even a hint of kindness (it’s usually not real kindness, it serves a purpose for him), she will decide to keep trying, hoping this “kindness” is what she will see more of.
Trauma bonding. Extreme highs and lows cause a physical/chemical change in her brain and body, like addiction. This begins to feel normal and she doesn’t know how to operate outside of it (think Stockholm syndrome). Simply a lack of abuse begins to feel like love and kindness instead of real love and kindness.
So how can you help? Here are 5 options
Believe her. Research indicates that 2-3% of women lie about abuse. It’s safe to say we can and should trust her when she discloses. In fact, most women have endured the abuse and it has taken them some time to feel safe to share or to be courageous enough to share in light of consequences. Just because you haven’t seen him being abusive before, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Most abusers don’t present themselves in that way in their day-to-day life.
Let her decide when it’s time to leave. This is again the hard one. She may stay for a few more weeks, months, or years. She may leave and go back. More than once. It is really important to allow her to make this decision and not coerce her into it. For one, when she does decide to leave, she’ll feel empowered having made the choice. And two, she doesn’t need more coercion.
Offer to do what you can. But don’t mad if she doesn’t accept your help. She is balancing a lot. Sometimes help feels more overwhelming but when the time is right, she will take you up on it.
Know your own boundaries. Supporting someone in or out of abuse can be tricky and draining and you will need to know what your own limits are if you decide to help.
Finally, educate your family, church, and circle of friends on domestic abuse. It really can be a game changer for the person God brings across your path.
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