Most women hope and expect to feel relief once they've made the decision to leave a relationship that is harming them emotionally or physically. They have waited and watched patiently to see if their partner would take the necessary steps toward change. They have prayed fervently for him to acknowledge the harm he's caused and allow her to hold him accountable when he slips. But she has seen no real change. Only empty apologies followed by blaming or comments meant to make her feel guilty. In fact, his behavior has gotten worse instead of better! She feels like she's suffocating and wants to be free from the endless cycle of taking the blame for his bad behavior.
Does that sound familiar?
Once you make the decision to separate, whether it is permanent or temporary, you will initially feel a sense of relief. You will feel your energy increase and begin to relax into a much less stressful day to day life. Finally, you get to decide how to use your time, money, and energy without someone else's control! But as your body relaxes, the floodgates of emotion are often set free. And a surprising emotion can surface. Grief.
You may question if you did the right thing. After all, why would you be grieving the loss if the marriage was that bad? Oftentimes, though, the grief is not over the actual marriage, but about the dreams and hopes that are dying with it.
When you got married, I'm sure you had a vision of what you thought things would be like We all do. I am sure you imagined growing old together, sharing adventures and joys and sorrows. I'll bet that you hoped that you would walk through life, hand in hand, with your best friend. But it never happened. The distance kept growing, no matter how many books you read or counselors you tried. You fought hard to make your dream come true. Harder than most. And it's okay to be heartbroken when all of that effort doesn't ever result in the marriage you envisioned. In fact, it's normal.
You, my friend, have lost so much. You may have lost financial security, autonomy in
decision making, friendships or family members, or even the support of your beloved church family. Holidays will never look the same and family live is forever changed. As you count these losses, it's normal to begin to wonder if it's even worth it.
It is.
Don't fight those feelings. The more you fight them, the more powerful they become. They are there for you to feel and process through. Name them (For example: I am lonely and scared that I'll always be alone), and write them down in your journal. Releasing them eases the pain and allows you to have the fuel you need to move forward. You will begin to regain your strength and forge a new life for you and your children.
Expect to be uncomfortable as you transform. It's never easy to start over, but it's a beautiful gift to design a life where you and your children can thrive.
What needs to be in place in your life to make you feel as if you are thriving instead of just surviving in this stage of grief? How can you take one small step toward that today?
If you are struggling through the pain and loneliness of separation and divorce, reach out for support. We are here to walk you through that and into a future you design.
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